• Kieran Burt

The VelociPastor (2018) Review

The VelociPastor is unapologetically bad. From the acting, the effects, the dialogue and the plot, this film won’t be winning any awards.

But sometimes, that’s okay. It’s clear that it was made with this intent - and on that point it definitely succeeds.

The VelociPastor is a film about a priest who loses his parents to a VFX car fire (not an actual car fire, just the words VFX car fire), goes to China and gains the ability to turn into a dinosaur. With this new ability, he returns to America to fight crime and ninjas.

That plot summary alone is crazy. But that doesn’t scratch the surface. For one thing, the priest is convinced to fight crime by a hooker.

This is supposed to be a comedy, and it succeeds in being a laugh out loud film. However, most of the time the audience will be laughing at The VelociPastor and not with it.

The effects in this film are perhaps its lowest point

There are some very over the top moments throughout. For example, whenever someone in the film is laughing ,they always take it to maniacal evil villain levels, and then keep going and going. There are no small, human chuckles in the film. The acting overall is really over the top and awful by all involved.

The effects in this film are perhaps its lowest point, though. While there are only a few major instantces of it being used, none would hold up in a film made in the 1980s - nevermind in 2018. The VelociPastor's cheap budget is particularly on display in the final fight, which is nightmarishly poor.

Yet, overall, this is a hilariously good time - just not because of what the film gets right. Instead, it is what it gets wrong that makes it enjoyable. The intent of this movie seems to be a takedown of modern superhero films - dead parents being a motivator, gaining superpowers, a sidekick, an evil organisation to destroy, the big third act battle, resurrection and a tease for sequels. It may be a bit of a joke, but you do get some laughs out of it.